18

happy birthday girl, happy birthday

dedicated to my nanaji — who passed away last year in May.

prelude

The night of my birth, my nani (maternal grandmother) could not sleep. It’s her favourite story to tell. My mother had gone into labour late into 6th of February, and was admitted to the hospital. Even after taking the sleeping pills her sister gave her, my nani could not sleep because she was so excited for me to come.

Every year, she tells me this story. The only difference is how long ago that night was. And every time, we would be in awe of that number, thinking of all the time that has passed since then, of everything that has happened. My nani would then tell me how proud she was I, her eldest granddaughter, was growing up — remind me that I was her favourite (I think she tells the other three as well) — and give me her blessings.

Now it’s been 18 years since that sleepless night. Eighteen years…

“where’d all the time go? it’s starting to fly. see how the hands go, waving goodbye”
— Where’d All the Time Go?, Dr. Dog

Author’s note: listen to this song as you read this piece.

i: fear

The truth is I am terrified. This is perhaps the only birthday that I have actively dreaded. I feel so unprepared, so at edge. I am writing this at the threshold of 18, of legal adulthood, and it’s unnerving. Nothing technically changes, really its just another day. But now I am 18. An actual adult. God.

I am feeling so many emotions as I write this, on the eve of my birthday (the 6th of February), at the brink of adulthood. Last year, 18 was a glimmer of possibility — scary but far enough to feel exciting and thrilling. Now, it is feels so ridiculously terrifying. The number is so big, so mature and unreal. I don’t think I am ready for what is to come, or responsible enough for what comes next.

Han Jisung (from Stray Kids) captured it perfectly in the song “19”: (translated from Korean: Genius lyrics here)

It's too fast. I've waited for this moment…. Every time the day went by slowly. I prayed for it to pass by quickly. But right now I feel the opposite. I'd like for this moment to stop for a bit. Time don't stay here, go somewhere else. One, two, three, once again back to 13

I just want to stop time. I'm still not ready

The entire song hits the hammer on the nail so perfectly — growing up but still feeling immature, unprepared, thrust into a future and a world that is so scary and big, and the urge to go back to the past and relive those teenage years again.

But I'm like a middle school student who's acting as an adult. I'm still immature and I just can't get used to it … The signs that don't allow minors don't relate to me anymore. But my dad and mom still look at me like a kid. And strangely this is something I'm still used to

I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want midnight (of the 7th) to come (which is in less than 3 hours as I write this). I know it doesn’t make much of a difference, it’s just another day, another day gone by, but oh how time feelings like it’s slipping away.

I will be stepping into the most unpredictable section of my life now — I have no idea what the next year is going to look like, where I will be going to go to university, who I will become. Looking forward from 17 to 18 wasn’t a challenge. Thinking about 19 year old me feels almost impossible to me now.

I don’t want to grow up — I don’t want to move forward. It’s so terrifying.

“It drives you crazy, getting old”
“This dream isn’t feeling so sweet. We’re reeling through the midnight streets.
And I’ve never felt more alone. It feels so scary getting old.”
— Ribs, Lorde (this song is perfection)

ii: the past

17 was one of the weirdest and most difficult years of my life.

I achieved a lot:

• decided what I wanted to study in university (politics, philosophy and economics)

• got offers from 3 universities (one of the being one of my TOP choices!!! — though its a conditional offer so I need to score well on my boards to get in)

• deferred from my Early Decision school (an Ivy League which I was expecting a rejection from)

• & wrote and published my 2 poetry collections!! ( + also had

  Hannah
  recommend it on her November reading wrap — what??? It feels absolutely surreal — that someone firstly read it and then thought it was good enough to recommend)

  

  THANK YOU SO MUCH HANNAH FOR BEING ONE OF MY BIGGEST SUPPORTERS ON SUBSTACK <33

I also changed a lot as a 17 year old. The most significant change was my music taste. Like what?! I used to be the biggest K-pop hater EVER and now I can’t seem to get over Korean music (especially K-rap and hard-hitting, LOUD K-pop songs). 16 going onto 17 me would never have imagined this to happen. It made me realise how I need to open myself up to new things — to embrace them — to not judge something before understanding it.

But 17 was also plagued by a roller coster of emotions. I experienced grief again with the passing of my grandfather. A large chunk of the year was overwhelmed by regret, self-doubt and worry about the future and college decisions.

I felt like I hadn’t done enough, that my writing and essays and personality was not “interesting” or “unique” or “quirky” enough, that I was not enough for a good university. August, September and October slipped away, filled with so much self-bashing over all the “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve”s of the past. Those days consisted of me sending 15 minute long voice messages to my best friends, crying and stressing over how difficult it all was.

12th grade has not been kind to me — my mind has not been kind to me. My body has changed in ways that feel unrecognisable. Months passed by with a constant undertone of self-hatred, which sometimes manifested in fierce arguments and words that I wish I could take back. I lost a lot of control over the things that I did, the decisions that I made, the way I treated myself, my body and the people around me.

Olivia Rodrigo was so right about being 17. It sucked. A lot. I first heard brutal when it came out in 2021. I was 14, and I didn’t get her.

But now, she hits the hammer on the nail with every single line of that song.

“I am so sick of 17, where’s my f*cking teenage dream, if someone tells me one more time, enjoy your youth i’m going to cry. and i don’t stick up for myself. i’m anxious and nothing can help. and i wish i’d done this before. and i wish people liked me more.”

“i only have two real friends, and lately i’m a nervous wreck. because i love people i don’t like. and i hate every song i write, and i am not cool and i am not smart and i can’t even parallel park.”

“They say these are the golden years, but i wish i could disappear, ego crush is so severe”.

It’s been tough. It’s been really tough. There were moments of laughter, joy, friendship and love — a lot of them as well. But it wasn’t easy.

I promised myself I would be gentler with myself in my 2024 post, but 2024 was not gentle to me. I want to reach out to myself and give past myself a hug — I want to give my current self a hug.

It really is so scary getting old. The unpredictability of what is to come, and all the change that I am going to experience in the coming year. It really feels like a lot.

But really, everything is going to be alright — everything is alright — the future is going to be okay.

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iii: the future

I am very afraid — but at the same time, as I write, there is this excitement shimmering underneath all of these overwhelming emotions of nostalgia.

I am turning 18?! Oh holy COW — I am EIGHTEEN?? There is so much weight in those sentences — so many thoughts running in my head, so many worries and fears — but also wowwww. I made it so far.

I have my whole life ahead of me. I will go to university. I got offered a seat in one of my dream universities a few days ago (UCL!!!). If I meet the grade requirement in my board exams, this time next year, I could be STUDYING THERE. IN LONDON.

There is so many things that I can’t wait to do — so many things left for me to explore. I am terrified of going to college, but also so excited for it.

The next 3 months of my life will consist of me drowning in studies, preparing for my board exams. But after that… after that I want to do so many things.

My goals for 18 <3

• learn how to play the guitar

• learn how to drive!!!

• learn how to cook (& hopefully cook well)

• learn some Korean (I need to understand a lot of lyrics, seriously)

• settle into a new life (London?? UCL?? Somewhere else??)

• write consistently + grown on Substack

• perform spoken word/slam poetry (inspired by all the rap music i listen to)

• submit my poems and essays to literary magazines (and maybe earn some money?)

• read more!! get through some Russian classics.

• become a fitter, healthier, happier version of myself

• grow, slowly, into a person I am proud(er) of

“future is going to be okay, look in the mirror and I see no pain…”

“What are you afraid of, when the past is gone and the future is yet to come?”
— D-Day, Agust D (aka. Suga from BTS) translated from Korean

iv: hope

I’ve never cried on my birthday. But as I started writing this post, I began bawling my eyes out. I broke down several times — thinking about the past, thinking about the future. I made a playlist (which I love and you should definitely listen to). Cried some more along to songs. Spoke to a good friend in the middle (hi S!!). Wrote some more, went through old photographs and then responded to late night birthday wishes.

It is still very difficult to process the title of “adult” and all the responsibility that will entail with it. But I feel very hopeful for the future. There is so many things that could go wrong — but there are also so many things that could go right.

I had my Spanish speaking exam and I was telling my teacher, afterwards, about how I was feeling and she quoted Kung Fu Panda: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

Here’s to a beautiful future — and a beautiful present.

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postlude : a love letter

Thank you my dear, dear subscribers for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post. I’ve not posted something in a while — life has been very hectic with a lot of things going on.

A note of appreciation to:

Hannah

&

Caroline

for being such big supporters of my Substack. It really means a lot to me.

To my fellow desi substackers (it’s been a while!!) — thank you for making this community so incredible.

Dru 𖤓

,

Mahi

,

Abhishek Singh

,

amu ౨ৎ

and last but definitely not the least (at all)

umrah [عُمْرَة]

!!! You guys are amazing. (check their writing out — they are all so talented. You will NOT be disappointed).

To

mihi

and Lily — I love you both so much. Thank you for helping me get through this year and having my back. What would I do without the two of you? (Also p.s you HAVE to check out Mihi’s latest post: 5 books that reside in my heart.)

Also — Mom and Papa. Thank you for being my biggest, biggest supporters. I don’t have words to express my gratitude. And finally, to Atharv (my younger brother), who will probably not read this (he hardly ever does), but regardless — bhaiya, you are the most precious and important person in my life. I love you more than I can express in words. More power to you.

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(this is my playlist for this year! hope you enjoy listening to it. There are a few Korean songs that I would recommend hearing with the lyric — there is some gorgeous writing there you shouldn’t miss out. Also — listen to the songs in order! they are arranged in the way are for a reason!)

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17

2024: on self-censorship, confidence and love

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Lots of love,

Aastha <3